theres so much going on every second of every day and theres statistics to prove it. this is how life manifests, but its overwhelming and impossible to understand unless youre some sort of insane super computer that can zip and condense these hhuman lives into easily digestible numbers that make all of life understandable. this is essentially the only way i can convey my mental state. my mental state is chronic, but it hit a nose dive since the first passing of a living hhuman loved one hit me in the chest. ive been doing 'better' since it happened. im still so tired. ive always had a complicated relationship with 'God' and 'religion' but i genuinely cannot express how dogshit it has become after the death of my mother. a more subconscious part of me wants to hope that God is good and that every bad thing genuinely helps the future you. all suffering builds the wings of a butterfly thats existence creates the sort of timeline we all want to live in. the more present part of my mind wants to prey that God is evil. that way he want have to cry over all of the suffering in the world. im not a good writer.